Scott: If you have to put your phone in the freezer three times, it might be time to get a new phone.
LA: If something’s frozen, and you need to unfreeze it, you put it in the freezer? It just doesn’t make sense. But it works!
Scott: Did you play the 50/50 tonight?
LA: No, it’s probably just exhibition money.
LA: The Phillies are one game into the season and already one and a half games back.
Scott: Did you ever make any science projects?
LA: Yeah. I think I made a radio. You couldn’t hear it or anything, but I made a radio.
Scott: So you didn’t make a radio.
Scott: Would you vote for “Whiskey Face” for the Phillies’ all-time franchise four?
LA: You can call me “Wine Face,” or just “Grape.”
Scott: I’ll call you “Whiner.” Or just “Great Ape.”
Scott: They don’t make nicknames like they used to.
LA: The ball’s not carrying, not even on throws.
LA: I bet you would have liked living back in 1915.
Scott: Why? Because I never would have met you?
LA: That should have been my science project — weather.
Scott: “Budweiser — still brewed the hard way.”
LA: That ball was hit the hard way. Or just hard.
Scott: Everything okay there, partner? TV not working?
LA: Works now! They just don’t work good when they’re not plugged in.
LA: I swear they must have groups of 25 or more who come in here at night and just play with stuff.
Scott: Do you feel your workspace has been tampered with?
LA: And it’s easy to play, Scott, even if the umpires aren’t in order.
LA: Gio Gonzalez has a very good curve ball–
Scott: Base hit by Revere.
LA: And Ben Revere just had a sandwich with it… Yeah.
LA: That Twitter gets me again!
JJ: Every time, even though you’re not on it.
LA: I hope the Hall of Fame never comes knocking on the door for my scorebook. Not that they ever would.
Scott: Don’t sell yourself short, partner.
Scott: What are you doing with the lights there?
LA: The shadow is on my scorebook, and the track lighting isn’t bright enough, so I figure if I move it over a bit and bounce it off the wall, then…
LA: And it’s easy to play, Scott, even on opening day in another city.
Scott: Every contestant wins two tickets to a Phillies game. Except those who play on the very last day of the season.
Scott: That Ben Revere hit will give David Buchanan a bunting opportunity — and a booing opportunity for the Mets fans.
LA: This coffee is hot. Ouch.
LA: It’s your breast– best friend’s birthday party on Phanatic Birthday night, Sunday, April 26.
LA: I just wanna go sit down!
Scott: I was thinking of going to the National Air and Space Museum here in D.C., also known as Larry’s head.
LA: And it’s easy to play, Scott, even with your hands full.
LA: Chances don’t mean anything. They’re just chances. I had a chance to win the lottery.
Scott: How did that work out for ya?
LA: Not so well.
Scott: I don’t want to sound like a broken record, but if things don’t change, they’re gonna break some records.
Scott: William Howard Taft won the presidents’ race tonight. He already has two wins in the early going.
LA: He’s hot.
Scott: Larry, what hurts more, that home run or watching that guy drink a beer right in front of you?
LA: The second one.
LA: I can’t believe they muted my mic.
Scott: Why did they mute your mic?
LA: I don’t know, but it was right before I called Asche’s home run.
Scott: You’re starting to sound like one of those advertising speed readers.
Scott: Jerome Williams called last night’s Giancarlo Stanton home run an “international flight.”
Scott: Hamels is breaking a lot of bats here on Earth Day.
JJ: How did you celebrate Earth Day today?
LA: I looked at the trash in the street in front of me.
JJ: You looked at it. You didn’t pick it up?
LA: I thought about it.
JJ: That’s progress!
Scott: I bought a toy helicopter for Gus’s birthday today, which he thought was really cool, until Uncle Larry showed up and blew everybody out of the water.
Scott: Happy birthday, Gus. Please go to bed soon.
LA: They said my gift was easy to assemble.
Scott: For a mechanical engineer.
Scott: Larry is a steward of the planet.
LA: The Phillies have now taken over the NL team lead in errors.
Scott: It’s a hard-fought battle thanks to Ian Desmond. He’s been keeping the Nats in it.
LA: You might want to take a bag of concrete out to those steps out in left field and replace those cement stairs. That ball was smoked by Giancarlo Stanton.
LA: What was Ichiro’s Zooperstar character?
Scott: Ground ball to short, and Ichiroach is retired.
LA: My words aren’t coming out very good in this cold weather.
Scott: Are you going up the Gateway Arch this year?
LA: No, it’s too high for me… I like going straight up, but I don’t like going up like an astronaut into orbit.
LA: I’m not claustrophobic; I just don’t like being in real small, confined spaces.
LA: I’ll let you in on a little secret, pal: eggs crack.
LA: Knock. Somebody. Down.
LA: Randy Choate has eight appearances, for a total of one inning?? You talk about stealing — that is highway robbery right there.
LA: Harang slid right on top of the bag. Big galoof.